My Digital Diary

Aug 14:i took part in welcome programm. i will be dancing . for the first time i will be taking part in welcome program. i am scared but i have to do it cause i have already started the practise. i just hope that i wont feel leftout during the practice and the actual welcome program.. goshh i am so scraedd but i have to even if i dont want to. i fear i might not look good.cause in my group there are all pretty girlss and i also have to look good. not just good i have to look pretty. and about the college its going fine but i am lacking in studies. hope my days will get better.byee i have to do my homeworkss. 🍒

Aug 6:college is going fine. nth neww i would like to talk to the grade 11 more cause i still feel invisible. i also want to be noticed in class alot more but i dont know how to. plus i feel like i can express my feelings alittle more than before and hope i can improve. u know it feels so bad when ur friend gets noticed and asked out but not you. as i said i sit in a four seater and iam at the side end. and today a boy called me and asked to call my friend (who was sitting beside me ). i dont know what really happened but he said smth about accepting friend request on insta and after she said no he said smth about not getting rejected this much. so i am concluding he likes her but she dont. i didnt ask her about it cause she was busy doing hw but i think i should have asked. well still i feel pretty but cause of these things i feel inferior and doubt myself.maybe i am just pretty on my head . cause my friends are so chasimatic, people talk to them laugh joke with them but not me why i also want to be close but they dont and these things make me doubt myself like am i not enough? am i not pretty ? am i boring and ugly? i try my all to look good in college but still i fail. i want everyone to want to talk to me but i just dont understand why i cant attract people. its so tiring to get ready for 1 and half hour, listening to subliminals and everything and still not succeeding and feeling inferior to someone else. ugh i hat it. thats it i wanted to vent about. hope tomorrow will be better please. 🍒

Aug 3:today was better than before but i fear tomorrow's not gonna be good cause it was good today.also i talked with the boy (grade 11 not crush little brother) i feel like i am improving like i said bye and hi to 4 friends from my class,talked in the bus although not with the grade 11 boys but it was not as uncomfortable as before. i know that i have improved alot then before but sometimes i just be the old me ;(the shy higly quiet anxious me)but i am still trying and i am grateful that i came this far and survived this much.hope tomorrow also goes smoothly and better 🍒

Aug 1: i did the presentations. and didnt write cause we had UT this week.well i want to be someone who is easy to talk. you know im so introverted.my friends were talking and i just sit there silently and it happens everytime there is agroup. if its one on one i think i can do better but while in the group, i just dont utter a word and maybe cause of this people find be hard to talk to. also juniors joined and thank god i'm still sitting in the second last or the third last seat.And listen what happened today;i was sitting with sakila cause now we cant sit single and in front of me were kritima and saaz and they three started to talk to juniors and i was just threre.god why cant i talkk i just hate it i just sat there didnt even say anything just laughed and smiled a little then took out my phone .i felt so awkward and leftout .maybe the juniors thought i was so quiet and like inferor gosh i dont want that. and guess what i have to walk home with a junior like before it was prince(a boy form my bus) and now a junior? like why is the home on the way to my home. its gonna be so awkward. i have to talk and be extroverted but like i cantt and dont know how to improve my social skills. Anyways my UT is over and tomorrow's Saturday so iam happy.now i think i watch a dating show in netflix. Hope i get better in socials. 🍒

July 23: hey after so many days i'm finally writing. i think i am getting used to college i guess but still its not fun. today my makeup looked so crushty and tomorrow we'll have our presentation. hope i do well and also look pretty please. and also tomorrow's my bff 's bday! yay. nth much to update. i get going now byee 🍒

July 18: So sorry i hadnt been writing here. thats cause i am just so tird after college i just sroll on tiktok and do nth.whatever its have been better but not that good like like sometimes good and most of the times bad. but however i have been trying. one thing i know for sure is looks matterr. if i looked good pretty all day then however the day went irl its gonna be good but if i look bad then its over for me. i will cry after i reach home. and relationship with my benchmates is getting better and i hope it will keep on growing better cause i need good real friends who make me feel seen. and btw today is holiday and its friday that means i have got holiday tomorrow too. yay. okay now byee. oh right i have english presentation from sunday and i'm the one who made the presentaion its hard but worth it i guess. 🍒

July 13: nothing really happended today, it was fine and from tomorrow we will have rotation T_T and probably we will be in the first bench tomorrow. that sad and scary though right. well theres nth to say. o right my another friend started dating wahh i'm happy for her truly . however it did made me question why i am not anyone's crush? i feel so sad evrytime i think about this like i am in grade 12 already and have nothing going on. well its not like i want something going on but you the validation its not there and this make me question my exsitence like am i that ugly that noone has a crush on me like whyyy. well whatever lets not tlak about this now i need to do my hwss and also read ig well byee hope i have a nice day tomorrow.Wish me luck! 🍒

July 12: okay so yesterday was friday so i didnt really wanted to write much i was lazy to do so. but nth happened much on friday ig it was fine. well my benchmates are always talking to each other and having fun with themselves and i feel leftout well its my faut too cause i should do smth to get involoved but i dont know at to do so its partially my fault too.well thee nothing new to say i thought to be productive today(saturday) but its already 1 30,and i need to bath too and do all hws. this coding literalyy took all my free time and its all got to waste cause it didnt work out. now byee i am busy noww. 🍒

July 10: heyy gurls, today thank god it went smoothly. it was fun, i didnt felt left out during the program well actually it wasnt that bad but it couldd have been better. however i am satisfied kind of. i did felt like i didnt fit in for some moments and i was actually scared like what to do type of but thank god its over now.i will try my best to make new friends hope luck is on my side. but you know it feels as though if today's a nice day then tomorrow wont be nice like kind of like that. but okay life goes on. lets end it here for now its getting late. byee 🍒

July 9: and i forgot to tell you tomorrow's teacher's day and there will so some kind of program in college i guess. omg i dont wanna goooo its just too muchh. i dont wanna be left outtt i hate ittt.plzz save meee i am scaredd 🍒

July 9: i just wish i was prettier or even pretty. everyday i wake up early, do skincare and gua sha then spent 1 hour in hair and makeup but still i dont look enough.its just so frustrating. like there are girls in my college even my own friends, they dont do anything no makeup but still good so pretty and are crushed on while me no one not even one has crushed on me. i thought i had a glow up but bot i was delulu. i hate itt why was i not born pretty.its just so sad to watch all my friends getting hit on confessed and even teased and asked ids but never me. why couldnt it be me.i know the reason i m just ugly and on top of that i am introvert and socially awkward.ughh like cherry on top.wahh. 🍒

July 8: so today was horribleeee. and thats cause i looked ugly. heres the thing that i realised; if i look good my days are automatically better cause more people will talk to me and if i look ugly then my days are horrible cuase i looked like shitt and get ignored or not talked to.nth happened much today so ther's nth to talk about and plus i have hw to submit tomorroww. byee 🍒

July 7: Today was fine. i had to go to college. It was better than before. I got to talk and make new friends during lab,it was fun. I didnt felt leftout that much. It made me realise that i was just with the wrong kind of people like not my vvibe people. The 2 new friends that i made today in lab were super kind, interesting and more over they listened to me though i didnt say much but what they were saying was interesting ig. And also i got to know that most people are two faced including the friends i sit with in class. Its really scary. [i sit in a 4 seater so i sit with 3 girls] One of the girls whom i sit with (lets name her zizi)literally said that they didnt like a girl, (zizi walks home with that same girl). and zizi and another girl whom i sit with (let's name her lia)were badmouthing her. i was shocked as i thought zizi and that girl was like good friends but i was wrong. So yea and maybe they have bad mouthed me too. That's really sad as i wanted to be their friend but maybe they are not my vibe as i really feel ignored when i am with them.OH right today zizi literally pushed me like i was standing and she came and walked passed me but like shoved me(not like heavily shoved but pushed kind of).Ugh i hate that girl zizi. Like she is rude to me for no reason. but then she is also nice sometimes but yea sometimes and feel like she has some beef with me.Okay whatever for today this much. now i need to do my homeworksss.🍒

July 5: as i said i didnt wanna go to college tomorrow, tomorrow's a holidayy yay. but still i need to go day after tomorrow though. thats sad. 🍒

July 5: Feeling a little overwhelmed today, but pushing through. 🍒